Cometheism

I'm going to start my own religion based on the mono-teachings of comedian, Rodney Dangerfield. Let us have a Church of No Respect! Let us have a Temple of Tie Tugging! Let us have a Shrine to the Patron Saint of Stand Up! April 1st will be declared St Rodney's Day. Churches will distribute silly golf hats and bowls of soup to their parishioners and youngsters will hold hands with their elders and dance around the Danger Tree (newly hewn from a neighbor's front lawn in Beverly Hills). And hymns will be sung in praise of the Universal Uncomfortable and humorous passages will be read from the Book of Rodney.

We will pray to the gods of comedy. We will meditate upon the holy word and the holy word will be "Jello." We will smite down our enemies by pointing out the sexual indiscretions of their wives and wear our wrinkled sports jackets proudly. And though we be persecuted by nonbelievers, we will hold onto our faith and wear boxers under our gaberdine slacks and apply for non-profit status so we can sell tee-shirts and beer scented air freshener at the temple without having to give the state a percentage of our gross sales. Ours will be the very first "cometheistic" religion.

We will send missionaries out to the four corners of the unfunny world: Iceland, Germany, North Korea, and Alabama. We will make fun of Kim Jong Dong's haircut,  criticize herring, show naked snapshots of Helmet Kohl's mom, and fart on Bear Bryant's tomb. We will make sure a imitation-leather bound copy of the Book of Rodney is placed in the drawer of every Motel 6 nightstand in America. And though we ride into the valley of the humorless, we will not stop cracking one-liners or cease adjusting our ties. And eventually people will hear the word -- which has been changed from "Jello" for copy-write reasons -- and flock to our banner and embrace Dangerism..

As the years go by, we will listen to the theme music from Caddyshack and wait for the Second Coming of our most holy, most revered -- most appearances on the Tonight Show other than David Brenner -- prophet. And one day he will be cloned back to life and return to us. And promptly sue us for using his holy name without the express consent of the Dangerfield estate and Universal Pictures, Inc. And we will see the error of our ways and take down his picture from over the alter of comedy and replace it with one of Robert Klein we found at a garage sale. And we will wait once more. . .

The Lord Rodney's Prayer: "Our Rodney / Now but a DNA sample / Hallowed be your fame / Your big break will come / You're not a bum / Neither in Queens or in Vegas / And give us each day our daily joke / And forgive us our heckling / As we forgive those who heckle us / and lead us not into bankruptcy / For it is difficult to get a loan these days / And religion pays really well / Amen."