What a terribly destructive thing memory is sometimes. We would be so much happy than we are if we could pick and choose the pieces of our past that intruded on our present lives. I can think of any number of times when a memory has destroyed what might have been a positive experience for me; when I've held back or bungled forward based solely on an incident from my past. How many people have I befriended or rejected because of their resemblance to someone I've previously known? How many opportunities have I missed because the memory of failure shadowed the possibility of a a future success?
Half the memories I have are probably post-constructions of the moment they supposedly represent. I remember my mother pushing me in the stroller up 10 Mile road in Roseville, Do I actually retain this memory or do I recreate the moment every time I experience it? What memories do I retain from my childhood and what images have been reconstructed by my adult self from old photographs, the reminiscences of others, and my knowledge of present day geography? Maybe our earlier memories are our most true memories. At one time my slate must have been a clean one. At what age did my past start to fuck with my present and, subsequently, my future? Memory is a tricky thing; highly subjective and subject to periodic alteration based on any number of sources and conditions.
Being human is knowing that you have a past and recognizing the connection between your life as it was and your life as it is. I know people who argue that having a past is not a necessary pre-condition of humanness. According to them, the only thing that really matters is that you "think" you have a past. This brings to mind the post-Darwinian argument that the universe is only six thousand years old and that all evidence to the contrary (fossils and other artifacts that would seem to require a much longer span of years for their development) was actually manufactured by God to create the appearance of great geological age. The argument is perfectly logical, of course, but, inevitably, the more logical an argument is the more fantastic it is also. If we follow the above line of reasoning what's to stop us from saying that the Almighty created the world five seconds ago and that all our memories were merely placed there by the Creator to fool us into thinking we have a past? Why the Almighty would want to deceive us in this manner is debatable. Of course, none of this is new. Every first year philosophy student has speculated on all of this stuff until he or she has bleed profusely from the ears.
But I've digressed from my original line of inquiry. Every human life is a mixture of light and dark elements. No one who's ever lived has been completely happy or completely miserable. Why is it that 90% of my memories seem to be negative ones. Am I unique in my perception of the past or are other people haunted by their yesterdays in much the same way? Assuming this to be the case, why do our heartaches and tragedies make a greater impression on our psyches than our contentments and triumphs? As much as I've tried to change my outlook on life, I have to admit that I've always been a "glass is half empty" kind of guy. Why is that?
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