02] You shall not make idols. I will not share your attention with anyone. You must love me and me only. If you do not worship me and me exclusively I will make you suffer.
03] You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain. I can fuck you over as much as I like, but you are not allowed to complain about my treatment of you. If you ever question my authority or my wisdom or my inherent goodness I will make you suffer.
04] Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. I have reserved one day a week when you must drop everything and spend in exclusive contemplation and praise of me. If you do anything else on this appointed day I will make you suffer.
05] Honor your father and your mother. You must respect your parents for no other reason than the fact that you and they share genetic material. If you do anything contrary to the wishes of these two individuals -- no matter how justified your attitude or actions are -- I will make you suffer.
06] You shall not murder. You are not allowed to kill unless I or one of my dully appointed representatives tell you it's alright. Under such circumstances you will kill those we direct you to kill and only those we direct you to kill -- bearing in mind, of course, that a certain amount of collateral damage is inevitable -- or I will make you suffer.
07] You shall not commit adultery. You must not have sexual relations or form romantic attachments with anyone unless the union has been recognized as valid by myself or one of my representatives. If you violate this edict -- even in the absent of pain to any other individual -- I will make you suffer.
08] You shall not steal. You mustn't ever take another person's personal property even if you are in dire need and the loss of such causes them little or no economic distress. You are, however, allowed to use people for your own personal economic gain. Slavery, indentured servitude, and poverty level wages are fine with me as long as I get my cut of the profits generated. If you steal a loaf of bread, however, I will make you suffer.
09] You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. You will not make statements about the behavior or character of another person that you know to be false.You are, however, allowed to be as illogical, unreasonable, short-sighted, and small-minded as you like as long as these failings are sincere prejudices. We have a little saying in Heaven: "Stupidity is next to Godliness." If you lie, however, I will make you suffer.
10] You shall not covet. You will be happy as you are and have no desires in life other than the desire to please me. If you are presumptuous enough to want something that I have not already provided for you I will make you suffer.
NOTE FROM YAHWEH:
I am an omniscient, manipulative bully who enjoys watching people suffer. I'm the biggest, baddest Kid on the block and there's nothing you can do about it. I will sentence you to eternal pain in the fires of Hell unless you give in to all of My demands, none of which are negotiable. It's my way or the highway (that's right, people, AC/DC got it right!). I have given you a brain not because I want you to use it to dispute My existence or question My laws, but because it has been My observation -- garnered over several eons -- that thinking creatures are more fun to torture than non-thinking ones. Killing the dinosaurs hardly amused Me at all. SO. Don't piss Me off. I've killed huge numbers of people on mere whim in the past and I've not afraid to do it again. I am the Lord, your God! I will make you suffer. . .
REBUTTAL FROM GOD:
I have no idea who this Yahweh guy is, but he certainly isn't me. I didn't write any of this stuff. I don't punish people for petty reasons and I've never sentenced anyone to eternal suffering. I can't say that I care a whole lot about any of you, but I would never go out of my way to cause anyone pain. I don't start wars or kill children or punch holes in your gas tanks when you're driving on the freeway. The truth is that I don't pay much attention to anything that happens on Earth any more. Life bores me to tears. This shouldn't surprise any of you; I'm omniscient; why should I be interested in anything as limited and inconsequential as you? Life is nothing but part of the decay of the universe. I don't care if you worship me. I don't need or desire you adoration. I don't have needs or desires. I'm God. I am what I am and nothing else. Accept this fact. Or don't accept it. I don't care. You're on your own. Make the best of it.
Extra note from God: If you people only knew how much I dumbed down the above rebuttal you'd be shocked. No, catch that, you're human, so I guess you wouldn't be. . .
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