Monday, June 30, 2014
Say Cheese!
You can't catch an elephant with a mouse trap. Even if you succeed in making a "better" mouse trap the endeavor is doomed to failure.
Not Politically Motivated
GOP Representative Insists That
The Lawsuit Against Obama
Is Not Politically Motivated
No, of course it's not politically motivated. It's racially motivated. They'd sue any uppity black man who disagreed with them. The GOP's philosophical commitment to angry, white males -- otherwise known as the "Southern Strategy" -- requires no less; now that physical lynching is out of the question. Everybody has their place and a black man's place is not in the White House; hence the name "White House." Rumor has it that he's even used the toilet! It's all quite simple and completely logical if you're either a racist yourself or have decided to make common cause with racists.
The race card is a prominent feature in the Teapublican playing deck. Once it's on the table whoever points out its presence is assigned the blame for it being there. After all, only a racist would call someone a racist, right? If this type of reasoning disturbs you, just remember: circular logic seems to be the only kind of logic a conservative understands. Also, it may be pointed out that blaming the opposition for your own shortcomings is a time honored political tradition and a common tactic of both major parties. Nothing new there.
Boehner and company taking the President to court shouldn't surprise anyone. In an era of government where the supreme legal authority of the land pays no attention to either common sense or past precedent, the most outrageous lawsuits and quasi-legal challenges are now heard without even a chuckle (much less a full belly laugh). If this case goes to the Supreme Court, we all know how it will be decided; unless, of course, Antonin Scalia has a massive coronary in the middle of watching gay porn and drops dead the day before arguments begin. We can always hope. . .
.jpg)
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Poison
Bring the gleaming cup to your lips
Take a fatal sip
In your heart death already reigns
Now let it touch your veins
Clarify your position
Drink the poison
When life is bitter, its loss is sweet
Come take a load off your feet
Cats love milk, rats like cheese
Do as you please
You hold the power to make or break
To sleep and never wake
Of course there are other ways
Messy but okay
But why open a wrist
To replace a woman's kiss?
Do it now, pour the wine
While there's still time
Why hesitate, why stall?
Unless you've never courted death at all
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Peewee Thomas
Clarence Thomas replacing Thurgood Marshall on The Supreme Court was like Peewee Herman replacing Laurence Olivier in a production of Hamlet.
Friday, June 27, 2014
Sanity and Deity
No sane person could look at the world as it exists and believe that it was created by a kind, compassionate deity. Either God is an uncaring bastard or God doesn't exist. Those are your only two choices.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Raise Your Hand
.jpg)
Everyone with an IQ lower than their shoe size please hold up a picture of Hitler raising his hand. . .
First Impressions
Be careful who you demonize and even more careful who you idolize. No one is quite as despicable or admirable as they first appear.
Complexity and Faith
The complexity of the universe or anything in the universe is not a viable argument for the existence of God. If God exists, he/she/it must be even more complex than the sum of his/her/its creation. How did God come from nothing? It's amazing how many people choose to answer that question by choosing not to answer that question. Such a response constitutes intellectual cowardice and little else. For the vast majority of people, faith is merely an excuse to stop using their brains.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Monday, June 23, 2014
Fragmented
adjective
1. reduced to fragments.
2. existing or functioning as though broken into separate parts; disorganized; disunified: a fragmented personality; a fragmented society.
3. me.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Not Tonight
I whisper my prayer in hope and in dread. Not today. Not tonight. When the stars are out. And the night air is as quiet and well-manned as a church pew on Monday morning. On such nights I lose time, but gain propriety. I am without peer. A broken watch that tics more intensely because it is damaged. On such nights I could touch eternity and never feel the weight of forever. It would be a shame for sorrow to intrude when the living is Gershwin easy and the light of a trillion worlds are spilt across the sky.
I cross my fingers until they're blue. Not tonight. Not tomorrow. When the sun is warm. And the afternoon is still and lazy as an old hound dog sleeping on a pouch. On such afternoons I lose a step, but find flight. I am a string plucked or bowed. A single dissident note hanging in the air waiting for another. On such afternoons I can hear the entire symphony. It would be regrettable to experience regret when such a melodious phrase is just beginning and my ears are stuffed full of sunlight.
I repeat my mantra over and over. Not tomorrow. Or the next day. When life is packed with words. And witticisms present themselves to my mind like a rowdy boy at his principal's office. On such days I lose myself, but see possibilities. I am an active verb. A birthday banner lovingly draped from bare branched tree to tree. On such days I see the connections between to and fro. It would be tragic to leave the party when there are quips left unqipped and a perfectly good buffet is still waiting to be sampled.
I know in my heart death will come. Not next week. But some day. When time is out of joint. And the world is every bit as imperfect as it was on the day I first appeared. At such hours babies are born and old men pass away. I am no different than they. A haphazard collection of atoms and energies. At such hours people let go of life and so will I. It would be wondrous strange if I should leave without at least a prefatory protest against Sexton's sad bone and Dylan's dying of the light.
So, I whisper in hope and in dread. Not today. Not tonight. When the stars are out. And the night air is as quiet and well-manned as a church pew on Monday morning. On such nights I lose time, but gain propriety. I am without peer. A broken watch that tics more intensely because it is damaged. On such nights I could touch eternity and never feel the weight of forever. It would be a shame for sorrow to intrude when the living is Gershwin easy and the light of a trillion worlds are spilt across the sky. . .
I cross my fingers until they're blue. Not tonight. Not tomorrow. When the sun is warm. And the afternoon is still and lazy as an old hound dog sleeping on a pouch. On such afternoons I lose a step, but find flight. I am a string plucked or bowed. A single dissident note hanging in the air waiting for another. On such afternoons I can hear the entire symphony. It would be regrettable to experience regret when such a melodious phrase is just beginning and my ears are stuffed full of sunlight.
I know in my heart death will come. Not next week. But some day. When time is out of joint. And the world is every bit as imperfect as it was on the day I first appeared. At such hours babies are born and old men pass away. I am no different than they. A haphazard collection of atoms and energies. At such hours people let go of life and so will I. It would be wondrous strange if I should leave without at least a prefatory protest against Sexton's sad bone and Dylan's dying of the light.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Hindsighted Dreams
It's a mistake to think that everything we didn't say over the years would have been well-received if we had said it. Some situations are beyond redemption. Some problems would not have been solved with a definitive statement of purpose at the opportune time. At any rate, there is something to be said for caution. Grand romantic gestures don't work out quite as well in real life as they do in the movies. Or in your hindsighted dreams and remembrances. Flowers die and moonlight fades.
Me, I think of all the things I've said over the years that I would have been better advised not to say. I think of all the perfectly amiable relationships I've torpedoed by letting something embarrassing fall out of my mouth when I should have kept my lips tightly shut and my mind on other things. Once you've said something you can never un-say it. That's the tragedy of language and its effect on the human psyche. Words hang in the air for years. Sometimes longer.
People don't want to hear declarations of love and devotion from those they don't love and will never likewise be devoted to. And "knowing" you are unloved -- that is say, hearing the sentiment in no uncertain terms from the object of your affection -- is not quite the liberating experience popular literature suggests it might be. Don't fool yourself in this respect. Sometimes the best way to deal with possible disappointment is to keep your expectations in a box beneath the bed.
I know the above sentiments will not be popular. But I encourage you to consider their wisdom. Just because someone once said that "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" doesn't make it true. Don't let the poetry seduce you. Broken hearts, like broken bones -- improperly mended -- can create a lifelong disability. Coulda-been shoulda-been fantasies are preferable to not-gonna-happen memories. Sometimes not knowing is for the best. And not asking is the best way not to know.
Me, I think of all the things I've said over the years that I would have been better advised not to say. I think of all the perfectly amiable relationships I've torpedoed by letting something embarrassing fall out of my mouth when I should have kept my lips tightly shut and my mind on other things. Once you've said something you can never un-say it. That's the tragedy of language and its effect on the human psyche. Words hang in the air for years. Sometimes longer.
People don't want to hear declarations of love and devotion from those they don't love and will never likewise be devoted to. And "knowing" you are unloved -- that is say, hearing the sentiment in no uncertain terms from the object of your affection -- is not quite the liberating experience popular literature suggests it might be. Don't fool yourself in this respect. Sometimes the best way to deal with possible disappointment is to keep your expectations in a box beneath the bed.
I know the above sentiments will not be popular. But I encourage you to consider their wisdom. Just because someone once said that "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" doesn't make it true. Don't let the poetry seduce you. Broken hearts, like broken bones -- improperly mended -- can create a lifelong disability. Coulda-been shoulda-been fantasies are preferable to not-gonna-happen memories. Sometimes not knowing is for the best. And not asking is the best way not to know.
Friday, June 20, 2014
Cheneydom
The Cheney family -- our former vice president, his terrible wife, and their odious elder daughter -- have kept us all in stitches for years. Their appearances on Fox have filled the void in television comedy since Johnny Carson retired. They are the knock knock joke of American politics.
Knock Knock. Who's there? Big Dick. Big Dick who? Big Dick who helped start two land wars in Asia is now giving us foreign policy advice. Who would you like to invade this week? Ha! Ha!! Ha!!! Ha!!!! Top that one, Russell Brand. . .
Knock Knock. Who's there? Big Dick. Big Dick who? Big Dick who helped start two land wars in Asia is now giving us foreign policy advice. Who would you like to invade this week? Ha! Ha!! Ha!!! Ha!!!! Top that one, Russell Brand. . .
Thursday, June 19, 2014
When Opportunity Knocked. . .
When opportunity knocked I was upstairs taking a shower. Subsequently, I'm still poor as a church mouse, but I'm clean as a whistle.
When opportunity knocked I pretended I wasn't home. I thought it was Jehovah's Witnesses.
When opportunity knocked I answered immediately. Unfortunately, the package was for next door.
When opportunity knocked I was in bed with a hangover. I dragged myself downstairs and answered the door, but it didn't work out. It's one thing to miss an opportunity, it's quite another to throw up on its shoes.
When opportunity knocked I never heard a thing. The fucker came to my old address.
When opportunity knocked I was taking my car in for a tune up. The mechanic said I just needed to use a higher octane gasoline.
When opportunity knocked I pretended I wasn't home. I thought it was Jehovah's Witnesses.
When opportunity knocked I answered immediately. Unfortunately, the package was for next door.
When opportunity knocked I was in bed with a hangover. I dragged myself downstairs and answered the door, but it didn't work out. It's one thing to miss an opportunity, it's quite another to throw up on its shoes.
When opportunity knocked I never heard a thing. The fucker came to my old address.
When opportunity knocked I was taking my car in for a tune up. The mechanic said I just needed to use a higher octane gasoline.
Island
From June 1984 and today. Still an island thirty years later. . .
If any man is an island, I am he
Cut off from the world by miles of sea
A jewel in the ocean, an unfinished stone
Facing the sun and the seasons alone.
If any man is a prisoner, that man is me
Trapped behind walls, unable to flee
A criminal mastermind, an innocent man
Placed behind bars by my own shaking hand.
If any man is alone, I am surely
Even God in Heaven takes no stock of me
An actor backstage, an author unread
Scared of views taken and things left unsaid.
If any man is an island, I am he
As apart from the crowd as a body can be
A port side paradise on the starboard bow
An island then and an island now.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Run, Ted, Run!
Please run for President, Senator. Beating you will be like beating a smug rug with a smart stick. Easy and immensely satisfying.
All of the salivating Democrats do when you walk into the room has nothing to do with your mother's peach cobbler.
Typo Blood
A good spellchecker will catch a misspelled word, but it takes an open mind and a pure heart to red-flag a bigoted remark.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
White Bronco
Today is the twentieth anniversary of the infamous "White Bronco Chase." Twenty years ago today we all sat in front of our television sets, riveted by the drama.
My favorite part was when O.J. and Al Cowlings stopped at Tim Hortons for coffee and donuts. Remember, it was reported that Simpson held a loaded gun to his head in one hand and a maple log in the other?
Oh, the memories of youth! Way-back-when when O.J. was just a bad actor and well-known fugitive from justice and not a convicted kidnapper and armed robber!
Happy anniversary, Juice! Excuse me, I'm starting to tear up. . .
Please Note:
This blog entry has been sponsored
by Tim Hortons Bakeshop and Cafe.
Try our new O.J. Crunch Twist
and special White Mocha Latte,
now available for a limited time
at participating restaurants.
My favorite part was when O.J. and Al Cowlings stopped at Tim Hortons for coffee and donuts. Remember, it was reported that Simpson held a loaded gun to his head in one hand and a maple log in the other?
Oh, the memories of youth! Way-back-when when O.J. was just a bad actor and well-known fugitive from justice and not a convicted kidnapper and armed robber!
Happy anniversary, Juice! Excuse me, I'm starting to tear up. . .
Please Note:
This blog entry has been sponsoredby Tim Hortons Bakeshop and Cafe.
Try our new O.J. Crunch Twist
and special White Mocha Latte,
now available for a limited time
at participating restaurants.
Monday, June 16, 2014
Cates' Creed
"Darwin's Origin of Species.
All it says is that man wasn't just stuck here
like a geranium in a flowerpot;
that living comes from a long miracle,
it didn't just happen in seven days."
--Bertram Cates, Inherit the Wind
For the vast majority of Judeo-Christians and religious folks of all creeds and colors, science and faith are completely compatible. If you meet someone that disputes this fact, it is more a testimony to their ignorance, bigotry, and intellectual sloth than it is to their spirituality.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
.jpg)
The Leopard and its Spots
Liberals think they can shame conservatives into behaving properly, but they're wrong. Conservatives have no shame. Conservatives have no sense of the ridiculous. They don't understand satire. You can't hold a distorted mirror up to one of them and expect him or her to respond to what they see. Their way of looking at the world is already so distorted they can't be made to appear any more comical or out of step with reality than they already are.
They look in the mirror every day and nothing they see bothers them. Their response to ridicule and humor will always be to revenge themselves on the banana peel and silence anyone who laughs. Donald Trump's recent legal suit against Bill Maher is ample proof of this. Face it, guys, you can laugh at them if you want, but don't expect them up clean up their act. A shit leopard can't change its shit spots. You can't convert a sociopath. You can't shame a shameless man.
They look in the mirror every day and nothing they see bothers them. Their response to ridicule and humor will always be to revenge themselves on the banana peel and silence anyone who laughs. Donald Trump's recent legal suit against Bill Maher is ample proof of this. Face it, guys, you can laugh at them if you want, but don't expect them up clean up their act. A shit leopard can't change its shit spots. You can't convert a sociopath. You can't shame a shameless man.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Plenty of Nothing
"Oh, I got plenty o' nuttin'
And nuttin's plenty for me
I got no plans, got no ideas
I got no humility. . ."
--from George and Ira Gershwin's Boehner and Bess
Blame Obama Game
Play the "I blame Obama" game. Also known as "Pin the Tale on the President."
The game that's sweeping the conservative nation. And quickly replacing group sex, drinking to excess, and charades as the most popular activity at adult gatherings, tupperware parties, and pre-apocalypse get-togethers.
How to Play:
It's fun and easy! Just blame Obama! The more outrageous your assertion the better! Don't just say it! Shout it belligerently at the top of your lungs and from the rooftops! Accompany yourself with obscene hand gestures and racist rhetoric! Cite phony studies and obscure literary texts! Or put it all in the form of a prayer! Be as whiny and as annoying as possible! Be creative and sell it like a professional!
Examples of winning plays:
I ate at Taco Bell and got diarrhea. I blame Obama. My kid got a "D" in English. I blame Obama. This growth on my neck is getting larger. I blame Obama. I can't find my car keys. I blame Obama. My wife left me for another man. I blame Obama. My instant lottery ticket was a loser. I blame Obama. The milk in the fridge went bad. I blame Obama. My gold fish died. I blame Obama. The house needs dusting. I blame Obama. I can't get an erection. I blame Obama. My brain hurts. I blame Obama. My cake fell. I blame Obama. I wet myself. I blame Obama. No one loves me. I blame Obama. I can't think of anything to say. I blame Obama.
Endorsed by:
The Rush Limbaugh Show. Where ego is number #1. And women are number #9,447.
Fox News Channel. Misinformation Central. Proudly manipulating the public for our own evil ends since 1996.
Chick-Fil-A Restaurants. It's not exactly food, but it's mostly edible. We do catering, but only for right-wing extremist organizations.
Papa John Pizza. Everyone knows that food prepared with the finest ingredients and by the under-paid and the uninsured always tastes better.
Wal-Mart. Listen to the sound of prices falling and store employees signing up for government assistance.
The Rev. Franklin Graham. Don't blame God. Don't blame me. Blame the black guy.
Liberty University. Training the next generation of bigots and ignoramuses and doing so at a tidy profit.
Former Congressman Eric Cantor. I lost my seat in Congress and I blame Obama. Say, that was fun!
Can be played armed or unarmed. Special Open Carry "Cliven" Edition comes with four semi-automatic hand guns and a hundred rounds of ammunition. Standard Empty Box "Boehner" Edition comes complete with a cardboard box, shrink-wrap, and large price tag. Guns, alcohol, white hoods, book burning accessories, and Viagra sold separately. Ages 35 to 59.
Yet another fine game created by the Heartland Institute and funded by Koch Industries; the same people who brought you: Flat Earth Society, Gay Bash, The Big Lie, Government Shutdown, Prisoner Non-Exchange, My Fascist Friend, Corporate Personhood, and last month's blockbuster release, Benghazi! Benghazi!! Benghazi!!!
Please note. No animals were harmed in the production of this ad, but, if there were, we blame Obama.
Friday, June 13, 2014
Talk to People
Talk to people and listen to what they have to say. You'll be amazed at what you will find out.
Ask and probe, but don't press. Pay attention to both the answers given and the words withheld. Speech is audio in nature, but communication has a visual element to it also.
Don't assume you know something about someone until you've heard their entire story. Never react to a tale in the middle of the narrative. When you focus on a reply you miss vital information.
Don't interrupt speakers with stories about yourself. Or witty antidotes. You're not Oscar Wilde and this isn't an Edwardian cocktail party. Style points don't count.
Give advice only when advice is asked for, and then, only grudgingly. And don't be insulted if it goes unheeded. It's just advice, not a royal command. Besides, you could still be wrong. No one -- not matter how perceptive or well-meaning -- is infallible.
Most of what's wrong with the world comes from a lack of communication. Often this comes from not knowing how to communicate properly. I have done all the things I advise against and so has everyone else. Learn from my mistakes and from your own.
Be patient. Patience pays off. Be empathic. Empathy pays off. Voices and ears lead to hearts and hands.
Ask and probe, but don't press. Pay attention to both the answers given and the words withheld. Speech is audio in nature, but communication has a visual element to it also.
Don't assume you know something about someone until you've heard their entire story. Never react to a tale in the middle of the narrative. When you focus on a reply you miss vital information.
Don't interrupt speakers with stories about yourself. Or witty antidotes. You're not Oscar Wilde and this isn't an Edwardian cocktail party. Style points don't count.
Give advice only when advice is asked for, and then, only grudgingly. And don't be insulted if it goes unheeded. It's just advice, not a royal command. Besides, you could still be wrong. No one -- not matter how perceptive or well-meaning -- is infallible.
Most of what's wrong with the world comes from a lack of communication. Often this comes from not knowing how to communicate properly. I have done all the things I advise against and so has everyone else. Learn from my mistakes and from your own.
Be patient. Patience pays off. Be empathic. Empathy pays off. Voices and ears lead to hearts and hands.
Hung Over? Hanged Over?
A hangover is the alcoholic equivalent of being run over by a bus and then left to lay in the middle of the road for twenty-four hours.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Last Audition
I am currently auditioning for eternity. My only desire is that my performance will be remembered. But I soon will be beyond desire. And have no ear to hear the applause. Or body to take a bow. Or eyes to read the reviews. Or brain to grasp the fact. That everyone is forgotten eventually. And that eventually is an infinitesimally short period of time.
Take a picture, A glossy 8 by 10. It lasts longer. But not much. This moment and this life are almost gone. And I know deep down. That the current tap dancing clown. Is already a relic of the past. That this renaissance of words will end. And velvet night will crash to the floor. A mildewed curtain that cuts off the actor from his audience.
The cradle has rocked for the last time. A ten second earthquake of activity. Ending in solace and certainty. I chose my speech well. I wrote my own lines. I needed no props. And ended with barely enough air in my lungs to wait with bated breath. We have your name and number. You're not quite what we were looking for. But maybe. . .
Take a picture, A glossy 8 by 10. It lasts longer. But not much. This moment and this life are almost gone. And I know deep down. That the current tap dancing clown. Is already a relic of the past. That this renaissance of words will end. And velvet night will crash to the floor. A mildewed curtain that cuts off the actor from his audience.
The cradle has rocked for the last time. A ten second earthquake of activity. Ending in solace and certainty. I chose my speech well. I wrote my own lines. I needed no props. And ended with barely enough air in my lungs to wait with bated breath. We have your name and number. You're not quite what we were looking for. But maybe. . .
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Keats' Conundrum
Only poetry can describe the real world. Everyday speech is powerless to portray. The imperceptible relations. Between. The breath and the lung. The blood and the heart. The eye and the light. The thought and the word. The action and the hand.
Metaphor explains the universe. Atoms dance to woodwind accompaniment. Humming connective tissue. Between. The beast and the birth. The bird and the flight. The key and the cell. The chilblain and the wind. The ache and the journey.
Metaphor explains the universe. Atoms dance to woodwind accompaniment. Humming connective tissue. Between. The beast and the birth. The bird and the flight. The key and the cell. The chilblain and the wind. The ache and the journey.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Second Coming, Came and Went
The Second Coming has already occurred, but it wasn't covered on Fox News, so you probably didn't hear much about it. This is how it happened:
Jesus Christ returned to Earth last year, took a quick look around, attended services at the Westboro Baptist Church, listened to Pat Robertson and John Hagee on the radio, slapped Joel Osteen, read a couple of articles about the latest school shooting, stopped for a cappuccino at Starbucks, sent out some tweets, and then returned to Heaven.
These were the tweets:
"What the hell has been happening the last two-thousand years? I thought I was quite clear about what I wanted. You've gotten it all wrong!"
"I don't own a gun. Human life doesn't begin at conception. The Bible should not be taken literally. Global warming is real. Sean Hannity is a dick."
"The phase Rich In Spirit should not be written out with a dollar sign replacing the S in spirit. No, not even if you also draw a little Jesus hanging from the T."
"I hate the following things in the following order: cruelty, racism, intolerance, hypocrisy, spandex, and decaf. Anything else you'd like to know?"
"You people are crazy. I'm outta here. . ."
Sorry, people, this was a one shot deal. Mr Christ is not coming back again. And it has nothing to do with scheduling problems. He just doesn't want to.
Jesus Christ returned to Earth last year, took a quick look around, attended services at the Westboro Baptist Church, listened to Pat Robertson and John Hagee on the radio, slapped Joel Osteen, read a couple of articles about the latest school shooting, stopped for a cappuccino at Starbucks, sent out some tweets, and then returned to Heaven.
These were the tweets:
"What the hell has been happening the last two-thousand years? I thought I was quite clear about what I wanted. You've gotten it all wrong!"
"I don't own a gun. Human life doesn't begin at conception. The Bible should not be taken literally. Global warming is real. Sean Hannity is a dick."
"The phase Rich In Spirit should not be written out with a dollar sign replacing the S in spirit. No, not even if you also draw a little Jesus hanging from the T."
"I hate the following things in the following order: cruelty, racism, intolerance, hypocrisy, spandex, and decaf. Anything else you'd like to know?"
"You people are crazy. I'm outta here. . ."
Sorry, people, this was a one shot deal. Mr Christ is not coming back again. And it has nothing to do with scheduling problems. He just doesn't want to.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Commandments 11 through 20
11] Be nice to other people. Go out of your way to make people you know feel loved and appreciated. Treat strangers with courtesy and respect. A little kindness goes a long long way.
12] Be nice to animals. Kill your meat humanely. (Or better yet, become a vegan. Just don't talk about it all the time!) Don't overwork your draft animals. Treat your pets with kindness. Repay their sacrifice and hard work and love for you with all that they need to live long and contented lives.
13] Keep yourself clean. Brush your teeth daily and take regular showers. There is no reason to offend those with whom you live and work with the noxious odors emanating from your body. There's plenty of hot water, use it.
14] Raise your children to be decent human beings. You are responsible for the type of adult your child will become. Parenting is a serious business; treat it as such. Your children belong to themselves and to the world also.
15] Judge others with caution and care or don't judge them at all. Try to understand others' motivations. Listen and learn. Never respond to another person's problem until you've heard the entire back story associated with said problem.
16] Give a hoot, don't pollute. I got this one from Woodsy Owl, but it's a goody. The world in which you live is shared with others; don't ask them to live at the city dump.
17] Clean up after yourself. No one -- aside from the parents of young children and those who are being paid to do so -- should be expected to pick up after another.
18] Spend your time learning the arts of life and not the arts of death. Create, don't destroy. Build up, don't tear down. Cure, don't infect. Give life, don't dole out death.
19] Stay out of each others' faces. Respect peoples' personal space, both physically and emotionally. No one wants their entire field of vision filled with someone else's ego. You have your own space, leave others' theirs.
20] Self-abuse should be avoided. Avoidable pain is a bad thing. Hurting yourself needlessly does not make you holy. Put the hair shirt away, it doesn't impress me.
NOTE FROM GOD:
I've never handed out any commandments, but if I did these are the sorts of things I would probably emphasize. Please note that I've tried to phrase everything in positive terms. There is far too much negativity in the world already. All those don't-do-this's and don't-do-that's really gets on my nerves. Please bear in mind that I am still not terribly concerned with what goes on here on Earth and that the items listed above are not commandments as such, but merely friendly advice offered to you by an omniscient but still largely disinterested creator God. I was going to have one cajoling you to "read a good book once in a while" and one suggesting that you "get yourself a hobby" but I only had space for ten items. The best advice is that which is kept short and to the point. Use a little common sense and most of you will be fine.
12] Be nice to animals. Kill your meat humanely. (Or better yet, become a vegan. Just don't talk about it all the time!) Don't overwork your draft animals. Treat your pets with kindness. Repay their sacrifice and hard work and love for you with all that they need to live long and contented lives.
13] Keep yourself clean. Brush your teeth daily and take regular showers. There is no reason to offend those with whom you live and work with the noxious odors emanating from your body. There's plenty of hot water, use it.
14] Raise your children to be decent human beings. You are responsible for the type of adult your child will become. Parenting is a serious business; treat it as such. Your children belong to themselves and to the world also.
15] Judge others with caution and care or don't judge them at all. Try to understand others' motivations. Listen and learn. Never respond to another person's problem until you've heard the entire back story associated with said problem.
16] Give a hoot, don't pollute. I got this one from Woodsy Owl, but it's a goody. The world in which you live is shared with others; don't ask them to live at the city dump.
17] Clean up after yourself. No one -- aside from the parents of young children and those who are being paid to do so -- should be expected to pick up after another.
18] Spend your time learning the arts of life and not the arts of death. Create, don't destroy. Build up, don't tear down. Cure, don't infect. Give life, don't dole out death.
19] Stay out of each others' faces. Respect peoples' personal space, both physically and emotionally. No one wants their entire field of vision filled with someone else's ego. You have your own space, leave others' theirs.
20] Self-abuse should be avoided. Avoidable pain is a bad thing. Hurting yourself needlessly does not make you holy. Put the hair shirt away, it doesn't impress me.
NOTE FROM GOD:
I've never handed out any commandments, but if I did these are the sorts of things I would probably emphasize. Please note that I've tried to phrase everything in positive terms. There is far too much negativity in the world already. All those don't-do-this's and don't-do-that's really gets on my nerves. Please bear in mind that I am still not terribly concerned with what goes on here on Earth and that the items listed above are not commandments as such, but merely friendly advice offered to you by an omniscient but still largely disinterested creator God. I was going to have one cajoling you to "read a good book once in a while" and one suggesting that you "get yourself a hobby" but I only had space for ten items. The best advice is that which is kept short and to the point. Use a little common sense and most of you will be fine.
The Ten Commandments Reconsidered
01] You shall have no other gods before Me. I am a petty jealous God and I have a psychotic desire for attention. If you do not give it to me I will make you suffer.
02] You shall not make idols. I will not share your attention with anyone. You must love me and me only. If you do not worship me and me exclusively I will make you suffer.
03] You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain. I can fuck you over as much as I like, but you are not allowed to complain about my treatment of you. If you ever question my authority or my wisdom or my inherent goodness I will make you suffer.
04] Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. I have reserved one day a week when you must drop everything and spend in exclusive contemplation and praise of me. If you do anything else on this appointed day I will make you suffer.
05] Honor your father and your mother. You must respect your parents for no other reason than the fact that you and they share genetic material. If you do anything contrary to the wishes of these two individuals -- no matter how justified your attitude or actions are -- I will make you suffer.
06] You shall not murder. You are not allowed to kill unless I or one of my dully appointed representatives tell you it's alright. Under such circumstances you will kill those we direct you to kill and only those we direct you to kill -- bearing in mind, of course, that a certain amount of collateral damage is inevitable -- or I will make you suffer.
07] You shall not commit adultery. You must not have sexual relations or form romantic attachments with anyone unless the union has been recognized as valid by myself or one of my representatives. If you violate this edict -- even in the absent of pain to any other individual -- I will make you suffer.
08] You shall not steal. You mustn't ever take another person's personal property even if you are in dire need and the loss of such causes them little or no economic distress. You are, however, allowed to use people for your own personal economic gain. Slavery, indentured servitude, and poverty level wages are fine with me as long as I get my cut of the profits generated. If you steal a loaf of bread, however, I will make you suffer.
09] You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. You will not make statements about the behavior or character of another person that you know to be false.You are, however, allowed to be as illogical, unreasonable, short-sighted, and small-minded as you like as long as these failings are sincere prejudices. We have a little saying in Heaven: "Stupidity is next to Godliness." If you lie, however, I will make you suffer.
10] You shall not covet. You will be happy as you are and have no desires in life other than the desire to please me. If you are presumptuous enough to want something that I have not already provided for you I will make you suffer.
NOTE FROM YAHWEH:
I am an omniscient, manipulative bully who enjoys watching people suffer. I'm the biggest, baddest Kid on the block and there's nothing you can do about it. I will sentence you to eternal pain in the fires of Hell unless you give in to all of My demands, none of which are negotiable. It's my way or the highway (that's right, people, AC/DC got it right!). I have given you a brain not because I want you to use it to dispute My existence or question My laws, but because it has been My observation -- garnered over several eons -- that thinking creatures are more fun to torture than non-thinking ones. Killing the dinosaurs hardly amused Me at all. SO. Don't piss Me off. I've killed huge numbers of people on mere whim in the past and I've not afraid to do it again. I am the Lord, your God! I will make you suffer. . .
REBUTTAL FROM GOD:
I have no idea who this Yahweh guy is, but he certainly isn't me. I didn't write any of this stuff. I don't punish people for petty reasons and I've never sentenced anyone to eternal suffering. I can't say that I care a whole lot about any of you, but I would never go out of my way to cause anyone pain. I don't start wars or kill children or punch holes in your gas tanks when you're driving on the freeway. The truth is that I don't pay much attention to anything that happens on Earth any more. Life bores me to tears. This shouldn't surprise any of you; I'm omniscient; why should I be interested in anything as limited and inconsequential as you? Life is nothing but part of the decay of the universe. I don't care if you worship me. I don't need or desire you adoration. I don't have needs or desires. I'm God. I am what I am and nothing else. Accept this fact. Or don't accept it. I don't care. You're on your own. Make the best of it.
02] You shall not make idols. I will not share your attention with anyone. You must love me and me only. If you do not worship me and me exclusively I will make you suffer.
03] You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain. I can fuck you over as much as I like, but you are not allowed to complain about my treatment of you. If you ever question my authority or my wisdom or my inherent goodness I will make you suffer.
04] Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. I have reserved one day a week when you must drop everything and spend in exclusive contemplation and praise of me. If you do anything else on this appointed day I will make you suffer.
05] Honor your father and your mother. You must respect your parents for no other reason than the fact that you and they share genetic material. If you do anything contrary to the wishes of these two individuals -- no matter how justified your attitude or actions are -- I will make you suffer.
06] You shall not murder. You are not allowed to kill unless I or one of my dully appointed representatives tell you it's alright. Under such circumstances you will kill those we direct you to kill and only those we direct you to kill -- bearing in mind, of course, that a certain amount of collateral damage is inevitable -- or I will make you suffer.
07] You shall not commit adultery. You must not have sexual relations or form romantic attachments with anyone unless the union has been recognized as valid by myself or one of my representatives. If you violate this edict -- even in the absent of pain to any other individual -- I will make you suffer.
08] You shall not steal. You mustn't ever take another person's personal property even if you are in dire need and the loss of such causes them little or no economic distress. You are, however, allowed to use people for your own personal economic gain. Slavery, indentured servitude, and poverty level wages are fine with me as long as I get my cut of the profits generated. If you steal a loaf of bread, however, I will make you suffer.
09] You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. You will not make statements about the behavior or character of another person that you know to be false.You are, however, allowed to be as illogical, unreasonable, short-sighted, and small-minded as you like as long as these failings are sincere prejudices. We have a little saying in Heaven: "Stupidity is next to Godliness." If you lie, however, I will make you suffer.
10] You shall not covet. You will be happy as you are and have no desires in life other than the desire to please me. If you are presumptuous enough to want something that I have not already provided for you I will make you suffer.
NOTE FROM YAHWEH:
I am an omniscient, manipulative bully who enjoys watching people suffer. I'm the biggest, baddest Kid on the block and there's nothing you can do about it. I will sentence you to eternal pain in the fires of Hell unless you give in to all of My demands, none of which are negotiable. It's my way or the highway (that's right, people, AC/DC got it right!). I have given you a brain not because I want you to use it to dispute My existence or question My laws, but because it has been My observation -- garnered over several eons -- that thinking creatures are more fun to torture than non-thinking ones. Killing the dinosaurs hardly amused Me at all. SO. Don't piss Me off. I've killed huge numbers of people on mere whim in the past and I've not afraid to do it again. I am the Lord, your God! I will make you suffer. . .
REBUTTAL FROM GOD:
I have no idea who this Yahweh guy is, but he certainly isn't me. I didn't write any of this stuff. I don't punish people for petty reasons and I've never sentenced anyone to eternal suffering. I can't say that I care a whole lot about any of you, but I would never go out of my way to cause anyone pain. I don't start wars or kill children or punch holes in your gas tanks when you're driving on the freeway. The truth is that I don't pay much attention to anything that happens on Earth any more. Life bores me to tears. This shouldn't surprise any of you; I'm omniscient; why should I be interested in anything as limited and inconsequential as you? Life is nothing but part of the decay of the universe. I don't care if you worship me. I don't need or desire you adoration. I don't have needs or desires. I'm God. I am what I am and nothing else. Accept this fact. Or don't accept it. I don't care. You're on your own. Make the best of it.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Acrobat
Right Way Wrong Way
Kindness can be regretted. By kind anyway. Mercy is sometimes abused. Be merciful anyway. Honesty is rarely profitable. Be honest anyway. Hard work often goes unrewarded. Work hard anyway. There is a right way to live and a wrong way. Choose what feels right even if experience tells you it will turn out wrong.
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Power Policies
On the power priorities of petty profiteers and their pocketed politicians. A situation set to twist the tongue and bemuse the brain:
Eventually the world will run out of fossil fuels. This has been known for several years. Estimates vary about when this exactly will happen, but, in general, there is little debate about this scenario. It is also an indisputable fact that the technology for renewable energy exists; it just needs to implemented on a larger scale.
The power companies could have been integrating these technologies into their operations slowly over the past three or four decades; making the changeover from oil, gas, and coal to renewable forms of energy both orderly and cost efficient. Instead they've done next to nothing. Instead of solar panels and wind turbines, they've given us strip mines, pipelines, and fracking.
Legislatures -- at both federal and state levels -- have helped perpetuate this "head in the sand" attitude with giant subsidies for oil and gas exploration, laws to protect the purveyors of environmentally hazardous technologies, and taxes designed to discourage research or investment in renewable energy types.
In the process, these two forces have succeeded only in destroying the environment, ruining people's health, and causing catastrophic climate change. And all of this has been done in the name of quick, easy profits for a few wealthy, politically well-connected individuals. There are some things the capitalist should not be trusted with and one is the fate of the world.
Eventually the world will run out of fossil fuels. This has been known for several years. Estimates vary about when this exactly will happen, but, in general, there is little debate about this scenario. It is also an indisputable fact that the technology for renewable energy exists; it just needs to implemented on a larger scale.
The power companies could have been integrating these technologies into their operations slowly over the past three or four decades; making the changeover from oil, gas, and coal to renewable forms of energy both orderly and cost efficient. Instead they've done next to nothing. Instead of solar panels and wind turbines, they've given us strip mines, pipelines, and fracking.
Legislatures -- at both federal and state levels -- have helped perpetuate this "head in the sand" attitude with giant subsidies for oil and gas exploration, laws to protect the purveyors of environmentally hazardous technologies, and taxes designed to discourage research or investment in renewable energy types.
In the process, these two forces have succeeded only in destroying the environment, ruining people's health, and causing catastrophic climate change. And all of this has been done in the name of quick, easy profits for a few wealthy, politically well-connected individuals. There are some things the capitalist should not be trusted with and one is the fate of the world.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)