Lindsey Graham was so out of it he tried to buy a vowel. "Q."
Rumor has it that there were twenty people scheduled to take part in the second debate, but Chris Christie ate ten of them. I saw a small piece of Rick Perry sticking to one of his front teeth.
Three of the candidates showed up wearing plastic Ronald Reagan masks and one -- not Carly Fiorina -- was wearing a Nancy Reagan mask and pearls.
Donald Trump's toupee arrived at the debate three hours before he did and was driven there in a chauffeured limo.
Ben Carson came early also, hobnobbed with the other candidates, answered questions from the press, and only raised a minor stink when he discovered that the card beneath his podium labeled him as "that black guy."
Scott Walker revealed that he would like to bomb Iran; not in his official capacity as president, but in his spare time as a hobby. Apparently, he now has a complete set of States of the Union quarters and has become bored with coin collecting.
How many of you out there thought Rand Paul was a cartographer?
My biggest surprise? Ohio Governor, John Kasich wants Sheena, Queen of the Amazons's picture placed on the new ten dollar bill. I mean, who saw that coming? His second choice was Ru Paul.
Marco Rubio. Marco Rubio? Marco? Rubio? Refresh my memory on this one, please. . .
After eight years of Dubya, who would have thought JEB was the dim bulb on the Bush family Christmas tree? I'm stunned.
Ted Cruz and Mike Huckabee spent much of the night trying to prove who was the biggest homophobe. Huckabee won, but only by the length of a pubic hair.
I always expect Carly to begin singing "You're So Vain" -- especially in her exchanges with the Donald -- but she never does. This disappoints me deeply, but, yet again, I've heard that she has an aversion to performing in public.
Rick Santorum once owned a dog named Mrs Thatcher, but had to have her eulogized when he developed an addiction to sniffing her ass. I don't know, maybe kibble is a gateway drug. . .
Rick Perry: gone but not forgotten. No -- who am I kidding? -- even his mother has a hard time remembering who he is; glasses or no glasses.
Also sidelined due to brain injury: Mittens; Mister Peepers; Bonzo, Eric, the wonder lizard; and the 1995 Broadway revival cast of Gentlemen Prefer Blonds.
I found myself longing for the golden days of the GOP. Where are Newt Gingrich, Fred Thompson, and Lamar Alexander when they're needed the most?
Bob Dole! Bob Dole!! BOB DOLE!!! John McCain? Tom Dewey? Alf Langdon?
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