Random Acts of Wit

I was a femfatality.

The only personal growth anyone one has observed in her lately are her fingernails. Even her hair seems to be stuck in a state of permanent adolescence.

Why is it that the scenery on the way to work looks so much different than the scenery on the way home from work?

Oh, for the days when all your worldly troubles could be solved with a cookie! I remember my twenties fondly. . .

Self-righteousness, when taken as a character trait, usually implies more selfishness than righteousness.

Self-righteous is the word we use to describe the steadfast, absolute, and incontestable belief in the correctness or truth of one's own creed or position.

Whatever their genetic predisposition, everyone is born with a clean soul.

The concept of original sin was invented by the wicked to downplay the significance of their own transgressions.

What is the opposite of a random act of kindness? A calculated act of cruelty?

Reply in kindness or risk not being spoken to at all.

Catholicism is nothing but an inventive excuse to wear a funny hat.

God save us from religion.

He who stays home and prays accomplishes nothing.

Real commitment requires more than token assent and minimal effort. Real support requires giving up something that is dear to you. Real belief requires putting your body in the line of fire. Real activism is a lifestyle, not a momentary pose for the camera. Real commitment is learning to drive on the left side of the road.

When did Martin Luther King become MLK? The week after Jesus Christ became JC.

Belief without knowledge is a sham.

The flesh is ready, but the spirit is weak.

I left home to cure an obsession. When I came back and it had vanished. I guess time and distance do heal all wounds.

They followed where they were led like sheeps to the shearing.

An act of protest is a call to empathy.

I liked shirt tags. They made it easy to put on a t-shirt. You always knew which side went backward and which face-ward.

Proper English is becoming increasingly archaic.

"I'm Paul W. Smith. The "W" stands for fascist. I can't spell either."

Contrary statements are always true.

Political Simile

Politics are like seeds. We throw ours at others and expect them to take root, but they only do so when they find just the right combination of soil, climate, and season. Sometimes they flourish between cracks in the sidewalk and sometimes they sit atop fertile ground like bricks piled on an asphalt slab. Why do people vote against their own best interests? Why, indeed.

You're Aging Well

“You're aging well" is both the nicest and the cruelest compliment you can ever bestow on another human being. On the cruel side, it is only slightly better than "that thing on your neck appears to be getting smaller." On the nice side, it is only marginally worse than "I really admire what you've done with your nose hair."

In May I Wrote, Part 2

Varner Tower? The only way I'll ever return there is with an automatic rifle and enough ammo to take out half of the student body. You can't go home again. Trying only creates a mess.

You can fix ignorance, but you can't fix stupidity.

Kafka, updated for the teens: "Gregor Samsa woke us to find that he had turned into Bill O'Reilly." Instead of crawling under the bed to die he got a job at FOX News.

Appearance is not all there is, but it is all we have.

I fully understand that there is nothing to understand. My Zen moment. . .

Is "unfriended" even a word? Or is this just another example of a pop culture icon -- in this case, Facebook -- using their money and influence to help destroy the English Language?

I have a great idea for a new children's book. The Velveteen Welsh Rarebit. It will be the heartwarming story about one child's love of toasted cheese.

There is nothing that will turn you into a pariah faster on Facebook than mentioning the fact that you're an atheist.

I have no active believe in deity. That's what atheism means.

Life isn't fair, but it is frequently ironic.

I'd like to get even with whoever invented the alarm clock. I'd like to scream in their ear suddenly and without warning very early in the morning. Then I'd like to do it again seven minutes later.

It was all very nice with a lowercase "n." It's amazing how many people and how many things in life fall into the lowercase and how few are certifiably uppercase.

I can: eat off of the floor, defecate in the living-room, and bark at the mailman. What am I? Ted Nugent?

I don't know about you, but I find the word "mailman" somewhat redundant.

A new nutritional study blames Hamlet's behavior on an iron deficiency. B2 or B12, that is the question.

In the morning I am a philosopher. At night I complain about the day. On weekends I write poetry.

Hey, no one even offered me a blindfold.

In May I Wrote

The price of gas is always lowest the day after your last fill up.

The tragedy of life isn't that it ends, but that it goes on as long as it does. I wonder if the world wasn't a better place when life was short, violent, and eventful. A quick death seems preferably to a lingering life.

"On the anniversary of the day when I last gave a damn." Great title for a book or something, don't you think?

God is dead. We were all invited to the funeral and no one came. Everyone went to the hockey game instead. And the Wings lost. In a shootout. Of course.

It is perception and perception alone that turns a weed into a flower. Nothing else is required.

A woman in retreat is more dangerous than one in pursuit.

There is nothing so ridiculous that you can't talk yourself into believing. No one is more gullible -- that is to say, more susceptible to our own silly arguments -- than we are ourselves.

If she had really wanted to torture me she would have subjected me to her company for a month or two. That would have maimed me for life.

All these pictures of mothers have given me diabetes. Thank you, America! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go take my insulin.

Let go. Don't let go. What are we to do?

Much longer than the weekend itself are the two days leading up to the weekend. Thursday has forty-eight hours and Friday forty-nine.

An elephant sitting on your chest is a bad way to begin the day.

You can't buy a man who refuses to be sold. Political corruption is a reciprocal process.

The soundtrack to life is garbled and difficult to understand. Most of us are just background noise.

Trumpt

Donald Trump is running for president again? Every circus needs a clown. We know he's rich, but can he juggle?

The only way Donald Trump ever gets near the White House is in small padded limo with fifteen other trumps.

Making fun of Donald Trump is like shooting rancid fish in a barrel. Every shot is a winner, but too many bulls-eyes merely stink up the room.

Donald Trump's candidacy is the exclamation mark on an already hilarious punchline.

Brain Fractures

Fractured logic. Broken brain.

Hamlet finds it hard to kill Claudius because Claudius's crimes -- killing Hamlet's father and having sex with Hamlet's mother -- are the two crimes Hamlet wants most to commit himself. Killing Claudius is like killing himself.

"In a hole in the ground lived Kim Kardashian."

No belief is preferable to a belief in the wicked. 

Cookies and beer -- no, wait, beer cookies! -- the perfect after school snack.

It isn't until you reach your mid-forties before you even begin to realize how wrong you were about the world when you were in your mid-twenties.

When you're hard of hearing the entire world mumbles.

Hope retained after your forty-fifth birthday is called "delusion."

You may as well enjoy the ride, you can't get off anyway. You're chained to the carousel and so is everyone else.

Life is more devious than the plot of Vincent Price movie. God has more in common with Dr. Phibes than with any other literary character.

I only come out of my room to eat and complain. Sometimes I combine the two and complain about the food.

Spend it while you've got it, but don't throw it away.

I found religion, but it was not to my liking, so I lost it again.

I offer only an honest hopelessness.

I couldn't see the forest for the telephone poles.

Tomorrow is a word that applies only to the living. There is no before or after for the dead. There is no future or past for those who no longer exist.

A politician calling a scientist dishonest is like the kettle calling the wedding dress black.

You don't lie to get people to do what they don't want to do. You lie to get them to do what they want to do anyway.

It's easy to be stupid, uninformed, unreasonable, egotistic, lazy, selfish, and bigoted. Any lie in support of these qualities is generally accepted without question.

Most people would not even notice it, but the days are growing shorter even in July.

Childlike is sometimes enviable, but childish is always contemptible.

You can only hold onto youth so long. After a certain point the attempt becomes merely pathetic.