Second Coming, Came and Went

The Second Coming has already occurred, but it wasn't covered on Fox News, so you probably didn't hear much about it. This is how it happened:

Jesus Christ returned to Earth last year, took a quick look around, attended services at the Westboro Baptist Church, listened to Pat Robertson and John Hagee on the radio, slapped Joel Osteen, read a couple of articles about the latest school shooting, stopped for a cappuccino at Starbucks, sent out some tweets, and then returned to Heaven.

These were the tweets:
"What the hell has been happening the last  two-thousand years? I thought I was quite clear about what I wanted. You've gotten it all wrong!"
"I don't own a gun. Human life doesn't begin at conception. The Bible should not be taken literally. Global warming is real. Sean Hannity is a dick."
"The phase Rich In Spirit should not be written out with a dollar sign replacing the S in spirit. No, not even if you also draw a little Jesus hanging from the T."
"I hate the following things in the following order: cruelty, racism, intolerance, hypocrisy, spandex, and decaf. Anything else you'd like to know?"
"You people are crazy. I'm outta here. . ."

Sorry, people, this was a one shot deal. Mr Christ is not coming back again. And it has nothing to do with scheduling problems. He just doesn't want to.

Commandments 11 through 20

11] Be nice to other people. Go out of your way to make people you know feel loved and appreciated. Treat strangers with courtesy and respect. A little kindness goes a long long way.
12] Be nice to animals. Kill your meat humanely. (Or better yet, become a vegan. Just don't talk about it all the time!) Don't overwork your draft animals. Treat your pets with kindness. Repay their sacrifice and hard work and love for you with all that they need to live long and contented lives.
13] Keep yourself clean. Brush your teeth daily and take regular showers. There is no reason to offend those with whom you live and work with the noxious odors emanating from your body. There's plenty of hot water, use it.
14] Raise your children to be decent human beings. You are responsible for the type of adult your child will become. Parenting is a serious business; treat it as such. Your children belong to themselves and to the world also.
15] Judge others with caution and care or don't judge them at all. Try to understand others' motivations. Listen and learn. Never respond to another person's problem until you've heard the entire back story associated with said problem.
16] Give a hoot, don't pollute. I got this one from Woodsy Owl, but it's a goody. The world in which you live is shared with others; don't ask them to live at the city dump.
17] Clean up after yourself. No one -- aside from the parents of young children and those who are being paid to do so -- should be expected to pick up after another.
18] Spend your time learning the arts of life and not the arts of death. Create, don't destroy. Build up, don't tear down. Cure, don't infect. Give life, don't dole out death.
19] Stay out of each others' faces. Respect peoples' personal space, both physically and emotionally. No one wants their entire field of vision filled with someone else's ego. You have your own space, leave others' theirs.
20] Self-abuse should be avoided. Avoidable pain is a bad thing. Hurting yourself needlessly does not make you holy. Put the hair shirt away, it doesn't impress me.

NOTE FROM GOD:
I've never handed out any commandments, but if I did these are the sorts of things I would probably emphasize. Please note that I've tried to phrase everything in positive terms. There is far too much negativity in the world already. All those don't-do-this's and don't-do-that's really gets on my nerves. Please bear in mind that I am still not terribly concerned with what goes on here on Earth and that the items listed above are not commandments as such, but merely friendly advice offered to you by an omniscient but still largely disinterested creator God. I was going to have one cajoling you to "read a good book once in a while" and one suggesting that you "get yourself a hobby" but I only had space for ten items. The best advice is that which is kept short and to the point. Use a little common sense and most of you will be fine.

The Ten Commandments Reconsidered

01] You shall have no other gods before Me. I am a petty jealous God and I have a psychotic desire for attention. If you do not give it to me I will make you suffer.

02] You shall not make idols. I will not share your attention with anyone. You must love me and me only. If you do not worship me and me exclusively I will make you suffer.

03] You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain. I can fuck you over as much as I like, but you are not allowed to complain about my treatment of you. If you ever question my authority or my wisdom or my inherent goodness I will make you suffer.

04] Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. I have reserved one day a week when you must drop everything and spend in exclusive contemplation and praise of me. If you do anything else on this appointed day I will make you suffer.

05] Honor your father and your mother. You must respect your parents for no other reason than the fact that you and they share genetic material. If you do anything contrary to the wishes of these two individuals -- no matter how justified your attitude or actions are -- I will make you suffer.

06] You shall not murder. You are not allowed to kill unless I or one of my dully appointed representatives tell you it's alright. Under such circumstances you will kill those we direct you to kill and only those we direct you to kill -- bearing in mind, of course, that a certain amount of collateral damage is inevitable -- or I will make you suffer.

07] You shall not commit adultery. You must not have sexual relations or form romantic attachments with anyone unless the union has been recognized as valid by myself or one of my representatives. If you violate this edict -- even in the absent of pain to any other individual -- I will make you suffer.

08] You shall not steal. You mustn't ever take another person's personal property even if you are in dire need and the loss of such causes them little or no economic distress. You are, however, allowed to use people for your own personal economic gain. Slavery, indentured servitude, and poverty level wages are fine with me as long as I get my cut of the profits generated. If you steal a loaf of bread, however, I will make you suffer.

09] You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. You will not make statements about the behavior or character of another person that you know to be false.You are, however, allowed to be as illogical, unreasonable, short-sighted, and small-minded as you like as long as these failings are sincere prejudices. We have a little saying in Heaven: "Stupidity is next to Godliness." If you lie, however, I will make you suffer.

10] You shall not covet. You will be happy as you are and have no desires in life other than the desire to please me. If you are presumptuous enough to want something that I have not already provided for you I will make you suffer.

NOTE FROM YAHWEH:
I am an omniscient, manipulative bully who enjoys watching people suffer. I'm the biggest, baddest Kid on the block and there's nothing you can do about it. I will sentence you to eternal pain in the fires of Hell unless you give in to all of My demands, none of which are negotiable. It's my way or the highway (that's right, people, AC/DC got it right!). I have given you a brain not because I want you to use it to dispute My existence or question My laws, but because it has been My observation -- garnered over several eons -- that thinking creatures are more fun to torture than non-thinking ones. Killing the dinosaurs hardly amused Me at all. SO. Don't piss Me off. I've killed huge numbers of people on mere whim in the past and I've not afraid to do it again. I am the Lord, your God! I will make you suffer. . .

REBUTTAL FROM GOD:
I have no idea who this Yahweh guy is, but he certainly isn't me. I didn't write any of this stuff. I don't punish people for petty reasons and I've never sentenced anyone to eternal suffering. I can't say that I care a whole lot about any of you, but I would never go out of my way to cause anyone pain. I don't start wars or kill children or punch holes in your gas tanks when you're driving on the freeway. The truth is that I don't pay much attention to anything that happens on Earth any more. Life bores me to tears. This shouldn't surprise any of you; I'm omniscient; why should I be interested in anything as limited and inconsequential as you? Life is nothing but part of the decay of the universe. I don't care if you worship me. I don't need or desire you adoration. I don't have needs or desires. I'm God. I am what I am and nothing else. Accept this fact. Or don't accept it. I don't care. You're on your own. Make the best of it.

Acrobat

The artist balances
on a razor's edge

his stance is a thing
of beauty (when he
maintains it)
            but
when he falls
the horror of his end
sends shock waves
        through
every life-action
                and
transforms the terms
of his existence
into a paradox
             of
profound ugliness.

Right Way Wrong Way

Kindness can be regretted. By kind anyway. Mercy is sometimes abused. Be merciful anyway. Honesty is rarely profitable. Be honest anyway. Hard work often goes unrewarded. Work hard anyway. There is a right way to live and a wrong way. Choose what feels right even if experience tells you it will turn out wrong.

Power Policies

On the power priorities of petty profiteers and their pocketed politicians. A situation set to twist the tongue and bemuse the brain:

Eventually the world will run out of fossil fuels. This has been known for several years. Estimates vary about when this exactly will happen, but, in general, there is little debate about this scenario. It is also an indisputable fact that the technology for renewable energy exists; it just needs to implemented on a larger scale.

The power companies could have been integrating these technologies into their operations slowly over the past three or four decades; making the changeover from oil, gas, and coal to renewable forms of energy both orderly and cost efficient. Instead they've done next to nothing. Instead of solar panels and wind turbines, they've given us strip mines, pipelines, and fracking.

Legislatures -- at both federal and state levels -- have helped perpetuate this "head in the sand" attitude with giant subsidies for oil and gas exploration, laws to protect the purveyors of environmentally hazardous technologies, and taxes designed to discourage research or investment in renewable energy types.

In the process, these two forces have succeeded only in destroying the environment, ruining people's health, and causing catastrophic climate change. And all of this has been done in the name of quick, easy profits for a few wealthy, politically well-connected individuals. There are some things the capitalist should not be trusted with and one is the fate of the world.

Noah's Grill (Genesis 6:23)

Noah actually took more than two of every animal with him on the ark.

He brought extra for Babylonian-style barbecue. And the Lord approved. . .