The Evangelical Creed

I believe in God who made the Heaven and the Earth about six thousand years ago and personally created Capitalism sometime in the 17th century. And in his son who was made flesh, but never actually had a bowel movement or an erection or anything gross like that. And in life eternal for anyone and everyone who looks and acts exactly how I look and act.

Not only will I base my social and political views on a two thousand year old book written by unknown authors, I will base them on a misreading of what this document actually says based upon the testimonies of other misinformed individuals and whatever items I can cherry pick from its pages that conform to my own prejudices.

Furthermore, I will demand that everyone else accepts my vision of reality and my view of history or I will throw a hissy-fit and accuse those who disagree with me of bigotry and intolerance and every other vice or shortcoming that I myself am guilty of on a regular basis  but refuse to acknowledge.

I make this pledge to Father Jehovah of flood and burning bush fame and to White Jesus who died for my sins -- but not those of the black guy who picks up my garbage or the Mexican girl who cleans up on Tuesdays -- and has promised to make sure my stock portfolio increases in value by at least 10% by the end of the year.

Climate change is a hoax. Evolution is evil. Abortion is wicked. Gay marriage is wrong. Social safety nets are socialism. The poor are poor because they're unworthy of God's love. America is the greatest country on earth no matter what anyone says and contrary to all evidence. Obama is the anti-Christ. Amen. Alleluia!