The Evangelical Creed

I believe in God who made the Heaven and the Earth about six thousand years ago and personally created Capitalism sometime in the 17th century. And in his son who was made flesh, but never actually had a bowel movement or an erection or anything gross like that. And in life eternal for anyone and everyone who looks and acts exactly how I look and act.

Not only will I base my social and political views on a two thousand year old book written by unknown authors, I will base them on a misreading of what this document actually says based upon the testimonies of other misinformed individuals and whatever items I can cherry pick from its pages that conform to my own prejudices.

Furthermore, I will demand that everyone else accepts my vision of reality and my view of history or I will throw a hissy-fit and accuse those who disagree with me of bigotry and intolerance and every other vice or shortcoming that I myself am guilty of on a regular basis  but refuse to acknowledge.

I make this pledge to Father Jehovah of flood and burning bush fame and to White Jesus who died for my sins -- but not those of the black guy who picks up my garbage or the Mexican girl who cleans up on Tuesdays -- and has promised to make sure my stock portfolio increases in value by at least 10% by the end of the year.

Climate change is a hoax. Evolution is evil. Abortion is wicked. Gay marriage is wrong. Social safety nets are socialism. The poor are poor because they're unworthy of God's love. America is the greatest country on earth no matter what anyone says and contrary to all evidence. Obama is the anti-Christ. Amen. Alleluia!

Working Again

I'm working forty hours a week again, but don't worry, I haven't abandoned blogging. . .

A New Take on an Old Saying

Butterflies are free.

Take as many as you like.

Obnoxious Leadership

Today, "speak softly and carry a big stick" has been replaced by "speak as loudly as possible until everyone gets sick of your voice and leaves the room to get away from you."

Upon hearing this, Teddy Roosevelt rolled over in his grave once, strugged his shoulders, and then continued being dead. It turns out that the stick was buried with him.

A Bit of an Under Cooked Potato

The only way not to be angry with God is to admit to oneself that God is not distant or uncaring, crude or cruel, dead or disinterested, but merely a delusion.

The Man and the Switch

Out of every 25 people on death row in the United States, 1 is not guilty of the crime in which they've been convicted. Since 1976, 1373 people have been executed in 34 states. This means that 55 innocent people has been put to death by state governments in the United States in the past 38 years. 37.2% of these killings have taken place in Texas. 

During Rick Perry's 13 year tenure as governor of Texas, his state has executed 275 people. This means that -- in all likelihood -- 11 innocent people have been put to death on Perry's watch. When asked if he ever had trouble sleeping at night knowing that he was responsible for the deaths of 11 innocent men, he replied without a trace of remorse or self-doubt that he did not. . .

The Fool

Walking swiftly along the road
Somewhat heedless
Looking not where he goes
Toward the abyss.
  Quote the wise man
  A fool remains a fool.

Carrying a stick and bag
A dog at his heel
Perceiving not the crag
In his mad zeal.
  Quote the wise man
  A fool remains a fool.

Ignorant of foe and friend
Sightless as the night
Only pain and death will end
His foolish flight.
  Quote the wise man
  A fool remains a fool.

NITBBSB

My favorite not-in-the-Bible-but-should-be line is "Jesus spit."

Pot, Please. . .

Laura Ingraham: "Like Big Brother in 1984, Obama supports marijuana use to keep Americans anesthetized."

If Ingraham smoked a joint once in a while maybe she wouldn't be such a tight ass. If anyone needs recreational drugs, it's this woman. . .

Sarah Barrel

Some things are

just too damn easy

I've Evolved

I'd

rather

be

descended

from

a

protozoa

than

from

an

ignoramus

Pet Proverbs

"Hey, at least be kind to the dog." --an old beagle proverb

"F@ck all of you! Now fork over the f@cking catnip." --an old tabby proverb

"Overfed? Underfed? Floats to the top of the bowl." --an old goldfish proverb

"A single slither in the grass is worth a hundred walks on the wild side." --an old snake proverb

"Aaa, what's up, doc? What, you think Mel Blanch wrote his own material?" --an old rabbit proverb

"Who's a pretty boy? Repeated over and over again." --an old parrot proverb

"What's a proverb? Pass the pellets." --an old hamster proverb

Morning Meal

doom sets the

breakfast table

the morning meal lies

ready for consumption

one bite of fortune

and i'm off

chip on my shoulder

and dirge in my heart

the day begins

much as the night ended

a dung hill adorned

with flowers

Alone in the Universe

Based on the above equation, it is estimated that there are 1,000 to 100,000 technologically advanced civilizations (that is to say, civilizations capable of sending messages via radio signals) in the Milky Way Galaxy.

Furthermore, there are at least 100 billion -- and possibly as  many as 500 billion -- other galaxies in the universe in addition to our own.

Multiply these two figures (lowest x lowest & highest x highest) and the number of civilizations in the universe that roughly approximate our own would be between 100 quintillion (10¹³) and 500 sextillion (5 x 10¹⁵).

There are 7 billion people on Earth. If each civilization listed above consists of approximately the same number of individuals, the total number of other thinking creatures in the universe would be between 7 x 10²² and 35 x 10²⁴.

We may be isolated, we may be insignificant, but we are, most assuredly, not alone in the Universe.

I Miss Dubya

I miss Dubya too. No matter how badly I behaved, no matter what stupid things I said, I always knew I was better than someone.

Darwin and the Beagle

Evidently, Darwin's dog was NOT a beagle. How ironic is that? Also, he had a pet hamster named Mrs Thatcher. That's not exactly ironic, but it's still kind of interesting, don't you think?

Waiting

I've decided to spend the entire day waiting for Godot. Maybe tomorrow, too. . .

Drug Free

I don't have a favorite athlete. I'm an adult. I don't live vicariously through the athletic achievements of other adults who play children's games for a living. Spectator sports may be the opiate of the people, but this is one person who doesn't share the addiction. . .

The SNL View

Possible sketch for SNL. All five panelists on The View have been fired and replaced with Sybil. The most disturbing part of the scene will occur when Sally Field ("You like me, you really like me!") switches into her Whoopi Goldberg personality ("I'm not gonna be in no damn convent with these people. These people don't even have sex!").

 

Eventually, Sybil-Whoopi emerges as the dominate personality as Sybil-Baba, Sybil-Joy, Sybil-Liz, and Sybil-Sally are crowded out of the conversation.

Change

"I tossed a handful of pennies skyward

Where they landed I don't much care

But for one brief and shining moment

Change was really truly in the air."

Wisdom

Keep your nose hair trimmed and your fingernails and toenails cut. See, fifty-odd years of life hasn't been entirely wasted. I do have a few select pearls of wisdom to offer. . .

Beware

Beware:

Passion without compassion.

Opinion without understanding.

Politics without principal.

Order without justice.