Monday, October 12, 2015

Snapshots from the Gospels

Captions for Photos Long Lost. . .

Joseph and Mary pose with baby JESUS, a couple of the wise men, and an unnamed goat.

Young JESUS and mom Mary in Egypt. Note: toddler Jesus is wearing a yellow t-shirt with a picture of a pyramid on it and a caption that reads "I fled to Egypt and all I got was this stupid shirt!"

JESUS' bar mitzvah. His folks didn't book the band he wanted, but a good time was still had by all.

JESUS in "dad" Joseph's workshop. Note: the pile of wood that looks like something painted by Picasso during his cubist period is Jesus' first attempt at table building. From the beginning of his apprenticeship it was clear which father's business the boy was going to go into.

JESUS and the "John the Baptist" pinata. "I want candy!"



JESUS at Canaan wedding. Note: taken after he'd had too much to drink and had begun telling "our father" jokes. His mother looks embarrassed, doesn't she?

JESUS throws the first stone and feels really, really bad about it.

JESUS acting out the parable of the prodigal son using sock puppets.

JESUS plants a seed in good soil. Note: unfortunately, it grows into a broccoli plant.

JESUS borrows a fiver from one of the temple money lenders. Note: the sheepish look on the Lamb of God's face.

JESUS at the Sea of Galilee, inventing the sport of water skiing.



Judas criticizes JESUS' manners. "Where were you born, a barn? Oh yeah, right. . ."

JESUS goes over his notes for the Sermon on the Mount. "Note to self. Leave out the hand gestures. They won't translate well in print."

JESUS feeds the multitudes with three loaves and three fishes and in doing so creates the idea of nouvelle cuisine.

JESUS visiting local chapter of "Pharisees for Christ."

JESUS and high priest, Caiaphas before their falling out. Note: both were regular fixtures at bingo night at the temple.

JESUS with his faithful dog, Buddha and his cat, Confucius.

JESUS and the gang practice turning the other cheek. Note: Judas is the guy with his pants down and his back to the camera.

JESUS apologizes to the fig tree. "Look. I was hungry. You were there. What can I say. I overreacted."


JESUS setting new world record for casting out demons. Twelve in one sitting!

JESUS on holiday for forty nights and forty days in the desert. Note: the sun glasses and the Hawaiian shirt.

JESUS makes the sign of the cross. "In the name of the Father and Myself and the Holy Ghost, amen. . ."

JESUS raises Lazarus from the grave, but has forgotten to bring him a change of underwear.

JESUS and the gang agree, Mary Magdalene makes the best matzos this side of Jerusalem! And her coffee is good, too.

JESUS assures Judas that he's "good" for the thirty pieces of silver.

JESUS gives sight to a blind man. Note: when the two meet at a party later that day the man mistakes Jesus for someone else.

JESUS attempting to cure a leopard. Note: Peter diplomatically points out his friend's mistake and everyone has a good laugh.

JESUS finds out Judas is a vegan, but still puts lamb on the menu for Passover brunch. Note: picture bears a striking resemblance to Leonardo's Last Supper. Possible model? We may never know.

JESUS praying in the Garden of Gethsemane with some friends. Note: Peter, the two James, and Simon are sound asleep; Bartholomew is playing Go Fish with Thaddaeus and Philip; Thomas is arm wrestling with John, Andrew is eating a sandwich; and Matthew appears to be clipping his toenails.


JESUS goofing around with Pilate at the governor's palace. Note: the "crown of thorns" shaped lamp shade on Pilates's head.

JESUS meets Barabbas and Barabbas is impressed!

JESUS posing in front of his cross. Also know as "the crucifixion selfie." Note: the Roman centurion photo bombing the picture.

JESUS signing autographs for doubting Thomas and the gang. "No, I'm not going to sign this one in blood. Grow up, will ya, Simon!"

JESUS plays four-handed canasta with his Father and the Holy Ghost,

JESUS ascends to heaven. Is that a rocket pack strapped to his back? Cool! Buck Rogers in the 1st Century AD!!

JESUS and Paul on the road to Damascus. Note: taken just before their detour to see the Roman World's Biggest Ball of Yarn.

JESUS sitting in the center field bleachers at Wrigley Field; preparing for the Second Coming. Once a Cub fan always a Cub fan.


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