Non-Application

Dear Frank:

You do realize that this ad is for a gas station cashier, don’t you? I mean, this is the sort of position that usually doesn’t require three graduate degrees and a personal letter of recommendation from the Pope. It’s essentially a ten or eleven dollar an hour job with bad hours in a crummy neighborhood. If you can find anyone interested in the position you should get their initials on the W2 form and send their name to the payroll department before they sober up. Let me spell that out to you again. Gas Station Cashier. Not. Head of Open Heart Surgery at Detroit Medical Center.

Gas Station Cashier. I think perhaps you need to scale down the requirements for this position. Anyone with experience of the job will most assuredly NOT want to apply. May I suggest the following demands you might reasonable make of applicants:

01] Must be breathing. This is an important point. That’s why it’s #1 on my list. The deceased need not apply.
02] Must shower semi-regularly. Also important, especially if you will have two or more employees working a single shift.
03] Must wear shoes. Boots are good also. And of course socks. You probably should mention those too.
04] Must speak a language (specific language optional).
05] Must have a good knowledge of U.S. currency and coinage and a working understanding of Arabic numerals.
06] Must be able to pick out GAS PUMP# from a touch screen by at least the fourth attempt.
07] Must agree to refrain from stealing from the register for at least their first three days on the job.
08] Must like the smell of gas, cigarettes, burnt coffee, stale donuts, and year old hotdogs.
09] Must be able to tell the difference between a 40oz bottle of Colt 45 and a four pack of Zima.
10] Must be able to say “Good Luck” after selling a roll of instant lottery tickets without adding “Sucker!” to the sentence.
11] Must agree to keep the REST ROOM OUT OF ORDER sign in clear view of customers at all times.
12] Must love people or least be able to tolerate their presence for twenty seconds without wanting to punch them in the face.
13] Must have full confidence in the claims of the manufacturers of bullet-proof glass.
14] Must have little or no life outside of work.

Thank you for your time and good luck in your search for the perfect employee. Oh, I am not applying for this job myself. Please note the lack of resume attached. The first five requirements I have no problem with. I’m also good with #7. After that, it’s hit or miss.