Merry Christmas with a Non-Archaic Pronounciation

Merry Xmas, Everybody!

"He knows when you are sleeping.

He knows when you're on the can.

He'll hunt you down and blast your ass

From here to Pakistan.

So. . .

You better not breath.

You batter not move.

You're better off dead,

I'm telling you, dude.

Santa Claus is gunning you down!"

Albert And Bill

Fat Albert confesses to tabloid: "Bill Cosby raped me after spiking my jello pudding and coke with roofies!" Says a distraught Albert: "I went to the police, hey, hey, hey and they told me cartoon characters couldn't press criminal charges against celebrities, hey, hey, hey. I hid my pain with food, food, and more food. Unfortunately, my favorite snack was jello pudding and coke." 

Friends Rudy, Russell, and Dumb Donald later confirmed the former child star's stories of gang violence and sexual exploitation and added some shocking details: "We all h-ha-hated playing n-na-naked b-ba-buckbuck with b-ba-Bill. He cl-cle-clearly had a th-thi-thing for f-fa-fat boys. Albert n-na-naturally took the l-li-lion's share of the a-ab-abuse."